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| I’d tell you all the things you wanted to hear
But only mean them when I’m half drunk
With Korean whiskey on my breath
And you only miles and minutes away
Watch me leave with that strut that’s so familiar
Kiss you goodbye on the side of your lips and let it slip accidentally
Make you wonder why I have that crazy status
When 5 hours earlier you invited yourself over
And let me pay homage to your body
Tell you things like “I just wanna protect you”
And always knowing that if I wanted, I could have you
Beginning feelings come back around November because I let them
And make you feel special because I finally made the time on your day
But wait
It’s me
Remember I don’t know where to put you
In my life so you’ll still be on the sidelines
You’ll probably never be my guy
Yet you’re still thinking about the dinner I made just for us two
And how I said on the phone that night I missed the old you
So you stick around because you know
On Thursdays I like to buy 40s with my girls
Get inebriated and dance to Dr Dre
Call you around 2 to see what you’re up to
Even though I know you’re already ready to come through
Because that’s our relationship
It’s love and hate
You hate to love me
And I love to hate you
Especially when you get wasted and spill your bottle of emotions
And then it’s back to the start again
I am in your heart again
You’ll think I’m pissed since I won’t give you a call
Wonder why I won’t budge even though you’ve given me your all
But you won’t get mad because that’s me, I’ve given you all the honesty
Not served on a silver platter but on plastic plates
That I throw away the minute you leave my house
Because truthfully,
You’re just an option
Composed solely of clitoral stimulation even though all you’re doing is
Thinking of the head games I play,
How you should walk away
But you just don’t have the capacity to
You’re thinking of my smile
And how you don’t want me to flash it to anyone else
Especially that boy who I’ve started seeing besides you
I’ve told you about him, but I’ve never told him about you
People don’t even know that we chill
Sometimes you’re wondering if this is all real
Because I’m so on and off and you’re never on my mind
Unless the loneliness strikes on those cold April nights
So… I guess you do hold some sort of power
Shared with my first love who’s been messaging me about 2nd chances
Even though I pledge that it’ll never be given
I tell you over lunch that I cried with him
Looked in you the eyes while I reminisced about him
And you didn’t say shit because you’re just such a pussy
All you do is care so you just shrug off the masochism
Sometimes I wonder why you stick around
Even though all I’ve given you was a great beginning
And someone who always lets you down
| | |
| she always told me the middle part was the hardest
because the honeymoon's over and you have to make it work
so with you, decided to take a grain of brown sugar
for all that you are,
i wanted to make it a little more sweeter.
since i'm seeing myself get bitter with the gray ass middle part.
so here it is, this middle part
after the kisses and the unconscious stealing of my heart
and i'll admit, you robbed me of it the day you traced my lips in the dark blue
of my room, just me and you
romanced, without taking off my pants
that was the beginning part.
and then the the colors began and it wasn't even summer
the center of march, but damn there was some real vibrancy
to tell you the truth, i didnt even care if it was puke green
because you still accepted me,
funny how now you're into piracy
because not that it's gray,
you're walking away and jumping our illegal ship.
but back to the beginning start,
you said i was gold, yet you craved some sort of synapse
because you loved my nose, didn't need to take off our clothes
didn't want to fuck us up, you never wanted me to leave
at least not completely, just a short little cleave
so i provided you with some baby blue breathing room
never dialed your number or attempted a try
since i was way too pressed already.
it was the way you never do anything for show,
exuding hot pink power over all my rationality.
taking me to the river, holding my hand,
and announcing that what we had was special.
you lifted my newly developed gray veil, though somewhat transparent
over my face and kissed my forehead.
it was then I decided to just let things be purple.
thats your favorite color, and I wanted it too,
to be the one who catches your eye, the one you always flocked to.
and so we moved past the beginning part, crossing that line between friend and lover,
and finally took that jump.
while the lemonade candle burned, i had never felt more secure,
with a man, much more than a man, and it was just that simple.
undressed me with velvet words, laid me on the maroon bed.
and for the first time, it was slow and gentle - and i finally understood that song 'yellow'.
but then back to gray again, you said the world was complicated
again to the river where the bright lights shone.
so i turned off my phone, had to be alone, and forced myself to get it together
you were just a boy, i was probably a toy, it was only april and i was getting too deep.
but wait, hold up, i am a poet
so i flipped the script, pressed power and let the gray rock on
said we'd be friends, though lovers late at night
true, i cried about it, and so did you
so i let the tears be gray, they were never that blue.
so me? back to jersey, and you stayed right here at the heart of it
and we parted as friends, thinking it was the end
but still wanting a little more of it
kept in touch, still showing some love, but shit was so hazy
and fuck, it's now the end, i guess she was wrong
THIS is the hardest part, don't even wanna write about the happiness
that surged upon our reunion, because truthfully, i dont need to fall apart again
it's now our conversations are filled with deep glances across the room and asking if we're okay
and the only time we touch is in the bedroom - that's the truth - it's become too sexual.
and i just want to get that back, so i'm putting my foot down.
i will not allow us to be that shade, fuck that gray color
it's black or white, all of me or none at all
because it want it to be you, red yellow and blue
and i need to know
what you are
what you aren't
what you need, because i swear to god
the one after me, she won't appreciate it
and i'm sorry i've never been this honest, i guess you just molded me into what you wanted
but it's like, you never did me wrong, you were always there when i needed.
so what am i supposed to do when im left with the consequences
of this weekend's actions and the way it's all a chase,
it's either my week or yours to be the one who's calling
but neither one of us wants to take the responsibility
for the situation buried between your clean white sheets
but it was you, you from the start, you break my heart when i hear of you
holding some other bitch's hips, wondered if you ever kissed her lips
the way you did to me.
and it was then when realization hit - i finally understand you
and yes, i'm complicated but i didn't develop this alone,
and yes, i've made my mistakes and if i could, i would take them all back
it's just this constant shade of gray, it needs to go away,
i want those damn colors back,
back to the middle part because i still got so many
colors i wanna show you, i haven't run out,
out of pages for this chapter of you,
i want you with me, you're more than just a friend
and i am unforgivingly selfish
i want every single fucking color, and my life? i want you in it
so let's get rid of the ending part,
let me be your favorite shade of purple.
| | |
| you showed me the city below our feet
& i was hesitant because of my fear of heights
yet still you took my hand and displayed the beauty
this time, i embraced the butterflies as i willingly jumped
not into love, but something like it
my biggest regret is not pussying out and letting go of your grasp
because i guess ill admit it,
i fell too damn hard
disregarding our attempts to try and move at a snails pace
& when you questioned if i knew my limit?
shit, not with you
sometimes i feel like this was all kismet, written in the stars or some shit like it
because before you ran with my heart, you walked with my mind
side by side, it had never been so right
and then we stopped to look and what we created, it wasn't wrong
6 months down the road, our minds are now running
sprinting to find the answer as to what to do
speaking about hurt feelings, unspoken grievances and the future of us two
and im sorry if it feels like im racing, but i want you at that finish line
| | |
| you've made me feel beautiful in so many ways,
and given me poetry during my shittiest days.
sometimes you're emotional, at times you're a mess,
but somehow you've passed all my stupid damn tests.
it's the way that you smile, or how you say babe,
or even how my hairy legs don't need to be shaved.
it's that spark, that feeling, your perfect big lips,
cuz no one's made me this crazy with one simple kiss.
the simple way that you hold me,
how you're always there to console me,
makes me wish there weren't a million restrictions
to a simple romantic decision.
your laugh in the morning,
conversing about bullshit,
how you always manage to make me smile,
even when i'm having the worst damn fit.
you're the first thought in my mind
when a slow love song comes on.
because you've captured my soul,
in all it's entirety,
the answer to this situation is so ambiguous,
it could go left or right,
living in the moment for all it's worth,
but learning not to get temperamental and lettings things
be.
this timing is off,
right now is not appropriate,
deep down i know,
i really should just walk away
but knowing i'll always have your friendship,
so right now,
i'm here to stay.
| | |
| as i sat in your room on a wednesday afternoon,
i remembered how it felt
to want you with everything i had
and shocked myself with the realization of the fact that
i don't feel that anymore
you most likely arent what i need
what i ever needed
or what i will ever want
but like a breath of fresh air
you clear away my current situation
because with you it's all so simple
relaxing and clear
that complications aren't at all needed
it is what it is, and we're both fine with that
so i'm stuck between the two, somewhere between samson
it's you and it's him,
two completely different sides of the spectrum
i thought you just wanted the nighttime side of me
and that he wanted perfection
apparently, i'm not perfection
and we spent time in the early afternoon
so now it's my decision
not his.. or yours.
and when im with you, i don't even wanna kiss you
truth is, i just wanna hang with you
pack your bags with you and bang with you
but not in that way..
i mean it's cool if we cuddle, but
if we don't touch lips, i honestly don't care
because you never provided me the intimacy of which i wanted
maybe intimacy of conversation,
but never the kind that he so easily gave.
i like spending time with you,
sitting in your bed and listening to nas with you
i guess i cared too much to give a fuck now
because ive seen what you're capable of.
and then you,
yes you..
you confuse me like hell
and right now,
i just can't fade it
i can't deal with it
because you gave me every single thing i wanted
and then quickly took it away
with the excuse of "im not ready"
well guess what? "i'm not willing"
to giet my heart broken
to let you get my hopes up and crush them
and you're right, i probably will end up hating you
but it's your damn fault
one day you're calling me pet names, calling every second..
and then i don't hear from you for three days, not even a text
i say that it's pointless, you say that it's not
so tell me the reasoning of keeping me around
or me keeping you around
because every single time i see you
i'm thinking of how much more i want from you
how much i wanna provide for you
how much i do want you
and no matter what my rational mind tells me
my heart wants you to stay
notice how i started this poem for him,
and it ended up being about you.
thats some bullshit..
i'm constantly using comparisons
to you and every other man that tries to enter
constantly shaking my head
every time a thought of you comes up
i just need to delete you
bury you and leave you
simply take you out the situation and forget
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